Clarity
by SapSorrow
Summary: Set just before, during and after the events of The Motion Picture. A series of terrible events lead Spock to leave abruptly for Vulcan to undergo Kolinahr. This is my take on how it all fell apart and how things finally came back together again. Contains violence at the outset and graphic sex later on. Spirk as always!
1. Chapter 1

**Warnings: Contains violence at the outset and one truly bad break up. If you can't forgive Spock for that….well, neither can he. This does border on tragedy but I promise the rest of this story is about it eventually getting better.**

**Clarity**

_"If our love is tragedy, why are you my remedy?_

_ If our love's insanity, why are you my clarity?"_

_ZEDD – "Clarity"_

1.

The girl does need to be told to get out; the look in the Vulcan's eyes is murderous, deadly – the most terrifying thing she has ever seen. She grabs up her clothes, picks herself up off the floor and runs – the sooner to get away from those awful eyes. Kirk, still bewildered, unsure quite how he got here, is no less terrified by the cold lethal fury in Spock's face as he turns slowly to advance upon him chillingly. It is at this point that Kirk makes his second fatal mistake of the night –

"Spock –" he says, too slowly, too carefully – "I'm sorry – I can explain –"

Spock barely hears the words, _refuses _to hear the words, still just seeing the look on Kirk's face as he burst through the door – the look that only he should ever have put there. He can still smell the stench of the woman upon his human to the exclusion of all other awareness. All sense and reason flies in the face of this betrayal and the animal inside takes him over, possessing him before it can rip its way through his gut. He is barely aware of his own actions as he throws Kirk bodily out of the bed and across the room, unaware even of how much stronger and agonisingly efficient rage has rendered him. He hears Kirk scream with somewhat disjointed satisfaction and does not even hear the crunch of bone through the haze of fury.

"I Kap – uh – t'du ru- lut" he snarls, hardly hearing his own voice, seeing himself knock Kirk further to the floor as if in slow motion from far away – "There is nothing you can say that I remotely wish to hear."

In not wanting to anger him further Kirk makes his third mistake and chooses not to fight back as he usually would. In defiance of the desired effect _this _just infuriates Spock and he crushes his fingers into Kirk's throat, hands wrapped around his neck almost tight enough to break – _break you as you have broken me. _

_- Spock – please – _Kirk thinks desperately through the trembling bond, vision starting to blur. Spock does not stop and adds savage mental attack on the human brain, lashing it with lancing waves of hate and pain beneath which Kirk's mind struggles and starts to crumble. Spock simply overtaken with fury that Kirk has tried to use a link that now rips at his insides –

_You dare – you dare presume to speak to me in this way – filthy human, poison in my system, I will bleed you out, finish you, bath – paik, bath – paik – kill you for what you have done to me –_

_- Spock – _the thought is faint, grey, full of sorrow and somehow still love; tears streaking his face, struggles ceasing, eyes rolling – _T'hy'la –_

Spock snarls in fury, refusing to listen to his heart crack;

_No. Never use that word again –_

And somehow Spock's mangled brain receives a fresh onslaught of agony as the link flutters and the bond strains, fraying and ripping like living flesh tearing – and only then does he realise that the human is dying. For a moment he feels frantic, wondering how he can stop this – the natural instinct to find and kill whoever would hurt him kicking in – before he realises that the monster is him. He rips his hands away just in time for Kirk to be able to swallow in a desperate, disgusting breath that leaves him panting and shaking on the floor.

Spock steps back, almost stumbling, hands trembling violently, eyes wide with horror. _What have I done? _He thinks, appalled; numb and breaking all at once – _by all things, what have I done? _

It is too late now that he realises how confused Kirk was, how very much it had not been of his own volition to sleep with that girl. Too late to think he can just come back from this or accept the forgiveness he knows Kirk would give. Too late to think that not having quite killed him makes anything all right, too late to undo the damage he has done to the human mind. Too late for anything to be alright, perhaps ever again. He can feel Kirk slipping away from him before his eyes. He can feel his own self slipping away from him, as though the world has fallen sickeningly onto its side. It is all he can do to keep standing. He backs away as though Kirk is dangerous and Kirk in turn is assailed by the thought –

_If he goes now he's never coming back._

"Please Spock –" he tries a final time – "Don't go – we can –" but anything he says would be too big a lie right now and Spock shakes his head infinitesimally.

"No-" he whispers, his voice far away to his own ears – "You are nothing" he states, his voice cold and dead and convincing to neither of them – "You are nothing to me." He feels himself wrench away as though unseen hands are moving him harshly. He leaves and he cannot and does not look back.

_x_

Suicide is unnatural, nay impossible to Vulcans; the fact of even reminding himself of this is as close to contemplation as one would ever get. The closes he can do, after smashing or tearing every item he possesses is to draft a resignation from Starfleet, effective immediately and take the next shuttle back to Vulcan.

He loses track of how long he sits, staring blankly out into space, watching the stars blot out one by one, fading to black in his mind as they pass them by until there is not a single colour left in space. He feels heavy, folding in on himself like a black hole, wondering disjointedly how long this state of being will last, how long the stars will stay dark –

_And will I have to put out every other light in the universe before I can turn out yours?_

No amount of blacking out will do what he really wants it to do. It is hopeless. He can still see those hazel eyes flashing sunlight and laughter at him from every corner of memory. Those eyes sparkling amusement at him as he swivels round in his chair on The Bridge to give him the smile nobody else sees; the sweet tender tilt of the lips that went straight to the heart. Those eyes looking up at him from the pillow, liquid and golden, darkening with desire and heat, later drowsy and mellow with happiness.

It is finally this – the memory of happiness – that undoes him, and the Vulcan who never cries, is sobbing uncontrollably into a small ball of himself, lost and alone amongst the stars. His eyes and head ache and throb from crying, his body feels battered and bruised with it and nothing has ever felt this terrible, not ever – _and you will never be there to help me again and it kills me –_

_(- remember – sunshine through the trees in your eyes and a smile to define love, skin so soft you could call it home -)_

_- and it kills me that I will never hold you again –_

This feeling in the heart like it could truly break and it has _– half my heart, half my soul left behind and I swear I will never feel this way again. Never._

How quickly a sly idea sliding in takes root, changing from _I will never feel this way _to simply _I will never feel. Never again. I will not hurt myself this way and I swear I will not hurt you. I will put myself too far from reach to ever harm you again. I will not be the monster that kills the thing he loves. _

He hangs his head in resignation at his own decision, but the answer comes so strongly, with something that seems at this moment like clarity –

_I will return to Vulcan and achieve Kolinahr._

The decision made, he sends out the last thought, he ever intends to send, down a link he will determine to forget exists -

_Goodbye, my t'hy'la. This is the last time I will permit myself to think of you or even your name again._

_x_

_Yet each man kills the thing he loves,  
By each let this be heard,  
Some do it with a bitter look,  
Some with a flattering word -_

Some do the deed with many tears,  
And some without a sigh:  
For each man kills the thing he loves,  
Yet each man does not die."

_- Oscar Wilde_

_x_

**I would never normally write a break up fic for my OTP – apart from in this case I do think it canonically happened – not necessarily exactly like this, this is just one of my theories as to why Spock left. If I've broken any hearts please stick with me and I will mend them by the end I promise….Spock's included!**


	2. Chapter 2

**In which Bones is unimpressed and Kirk cries quite a lot.**

**(I probably should have mentioned earlier that these events take place on planet, shortly after the end of the five year mission – this might have helped things make more sense! Sorry!)**

**2.**

_"You are the piece of me I wish I didn't need_

_Chasing relentlessly, But I still fight and I don't know why."_

Kirk can feel something breaking in his head and the agony is so great that at first he can feel nothing else. He tries to stand and only then realises that his leg is broken. The sharp physical pain is almost a relief, clearing a space in his head at least enough to get to a communicator and call Bones to get down here straight away. He falls back, head spinning, silently screaming from the rent Spock has torn through his brain in trying to sever a bond that cannot be severed. At the same time his mind is running red panic, knowing that Spock is leaving and he simply has to stop this from happening. He shrieks his name over and over again in his head trying to make him hear – knowing that he _can _hear and is wilfully ignoring it. It feels like losing a limb and having to watch helplessly as he bleeds to death from the injury.

When Bones bursts in Kirk is floating on the border of consciousness. The doctor takes one look at him and calls for medical back up before doing anything else.

"Jim –" he exclaims – "What the hell happened here?"

"Spock –" Kirk replies weakly, only now realising how much his throat hurts – "He's leaving – Bones you have to –" he clutches at the doctor's arm and then, in spite of all efforts otherwise – faints.

When he comes round there is a brief moment of forgetting, blissful as warmth in winter, where he almost smiles, expecting Spock to be looking down at him with his tolerant _captain – did – it – again _face. But it is just Bones looking down at him and his expression is grim. Realty is a brick in the face.

"Spock?"

Bones rolls his eyes –

"Of course, he doesn't ask how his leg is or if he'll ever swallow again, oh no –"

"Bones not now – is Spock –"

"Just tell me one this Jim –" cuts in Bones, and it occurs to Kirk that his friend is as angry as he has ever seen him; so angry in fact that his voice is perfectly calm –

"Did he do this?"

The look on Kirk's face, not wanting to say yes to something so damning but not able to lie to his friend, says it all.

"God damn – I wish I _could _have got my hands on the bastard, I'd have –"

"Bones – Bones what do you mean you wish you could? Where is he? What's happened?" – the panic rising again.

"You're asking _me _what happened? You're lying there with multiple fractures and a barely salvaged larynx and you're asking me what happened? Damn it Jim –"

"Bones." Kirk growls, only seconds away from a complete hysterical breakdown – "Where. Is. Spock?"

"Jim –" McCoy says gently – "He's skipped planet. Took a shuttle to Vulcan not half an hour ago. Now please –" he breaks off, alarmed by the way Kirk's eyes glaze over in evident shock at this news – "Jim!" he almost shouts, putting his hand son Kirk's shoulders and finding that his friends' eyes just stare sightlessly back at him, registering nothing – "No you don't Jim – keep it together!"

To his horror Kirk starts to laugh hollowly –

"Together – Bones? How do I do that when – Bones, he's trying to break me off – god –" he holds a hand to his throbbing head – "He's trying to fucking _erase _me – how do I keep it together when I'm not Bones? What do I –"

"Jim –" Bones slaps him as gently as he can get away with to make him make at least some eye contact – "Jim breathe. You're here. You're not erased. You're you. Now I don't know what weird Vulcan head fuckery your psycho boyfriend's pulling on you but –"

"Ex" Kirk breaks in with a short bark of bitter laughter – "I'm guessing it's ex boyfriend now Bones" – and to the doctor's immense relief he starts to cry, clinging to his friend's shoulder and shaking with ragged sobs.

"Okay" Bones nods, sighing, patting him awkwardly – "Okay".

He lets Kirk cry until the ability to do so runs out and his shoulder is soaked. He hands his friend a tissue and Kirk blows his nose enormously –

"My throat hurts" he gulps.

"Yeah" sighs Bones "You'll have strained an already damaged trachea by putting that amount of stress on your sinuses."

"Great. Thanks Bones. Now –"

"_Now _you're going to tell me why you have Vulcan fingerprints bruised into your neck and why it's that nut job you're still worried about and not yourself." Insists Bones.

Kirk sighs;

"There was a girl –" he begins – "At the party. A Circean – I didn't realise at the time but that's what she must have been – their touch makes you think you're in love with them –" The telling is not easy, but it does help a little – "Spock can't have realised either" he finishes – "Really Bones – you can't blame him."

"Yeah you say that" grunts Bones – "And I'll tell you it's the worst thing I've ever heard you say –"

"I can't just let him go Bones – and I can't let him let go of me – it's like – it's like if you tried to pull my arm off with your bare hands it'd hurt like hell but it wouldn't come off. That's what he's doing to my head. He wants to break us –" Kirk chokes up, trying to not just cry again – "He's hurt – dear god –" he closes his eyes with the pain that Spock feels, eyes brimming – "God, he's hurting so much –"

"Yeah well, colour me unsympathetic –"

McCoy's annoyance trails off when Kirk does start to cry again, bent over and holding his head in his hands as tough to keep it on, half crying, half screaming with the thick burning throbbing in the brain.

_I'm going to fucking kill him _Bones thinks, but for Kirk's sake does not voice it out loud. He hears Kirk's breathing catch and sees him frown as though listening to something –

_Goodbye my T'hy'la –_

His eyes blaze with feverish hope and he barely allows himself to hear the rest – _he said to never say it and then he said it! There's hope – _He knows really this is probably not genuinely true, not really, but his damaged brain will not let him give room to the truth right now.

"It's Spock –" he says aloud – "There's hope".

Bones bites his lip and does not comment. Kirk nods to himself and his friend realises dismally and perhaps a little too late that he has gone just a little insane.

"I have to go to Vulcan" Kirk states, his tone one that the doctor knows well leaves no room for argument.

"I'm not commenting Jim" he says flatly, but equally as determined – "I'm just coming with you."

_x_

**Okay I don't usually like to ask for advice in the middle of a fic but I'm having a couple of issues with this so:**

**So I'm wondering – I'm told my Spock is coming off reboot but not tos and this is probably true because I do usually write reboot and I don't want this all to seem completely ooc. There's plenty of evidence in tos of Spock getting violently angry with Kirk but I know this is a little extreme. I figured to provoke the whole going off to do Kolinahr it would have to be but I may still be mis- writing Spock. SO should I re-categorise this story as reboot or would that be weird given it's using the events of TMP? If not should I change it in some way? I don't know. **

**I really hate to plead for affirmation….but I could use someone telling me this doesn't suck too hard cause I'm worried I'm the only person that likes it! (I'm still continuing either way though!)**


	3. Chapter 3

**This fic is now for Suga Bee with epic thanks. :-)**

**3.**

_"As the walls are closing in  
And the colors fade to black  
And my eyes are falling fast and deep into me  
And I follow the tracks that lead me down  
And I never follow what's right  
And they wonder sometimes when they see all the  
Sadness and pain the truth begins to light"_

_Sarah Mclachlan – "Black"_

It is not until they are stood outside of Spock's family home on Vulcan that Kirk stops to think – which he does out loud –

"Oh god – Bones – what am I doing here?"

Given that they have just this moment announced themselves at the door and are awaiting entry Bones rolls his eyes –

"Well you sure picked a helluva time to wonder" he sighs.

"Bones – are you okay? You look …..sweaty." Kirk frowns.

"Jim in case you hadn't noticed it's fucking scorching out here –" Bones squints at him hard – "You really _hadn't _noticed had you?"

"Bones –" Kirk sighs wearily – "I have a pain in my leg that's kinda killing me but that's still nothing to the pain in my –" he pulls himself back just in time – "Head. No, I hadn't taken note of the weather."

Bones remembers how utterly overwhelmed Kirk has been by the heat every other time they have been on Vulcan and grunts –

"Jim –" he begins gently, but does not then have the time to tell him how genuinely worried he is for him because at that moment the huge front doors swing open and Spock's father is stood in front of them. Sarek looks at them both contemplatively and Kirk tries not to think about how overwhelmed and worried he has always previously felt in the presence of Spock's parents.

_Worried you're not good enough _he thinks bitterly – _well what do you know? _

"I see" Sarek says, nodding as though he has reached a conclusion. Kirk is left with the uncomfortable feeling that he has looked straight inside him and it feels painfully reminiscent of Spock in his head. He wonders, not for the first time about the extent of Vulcan telepathy.

"Well I cannot say this was not expected –" Sarek says gently – "You had better come in."

They follow the Vulcan in, Kirk wondering _what _was so expected – their appearance here or the events that have led to it. Did they always assume him and Spock would eventually fuck it all up – does he fail that much? Not one to keep wondering aloud he voices the question aloud – the first part at any rate.

"Forgive me –" Sarek says – "I was merely referring to your presence here at this time. I must confess I am in some uncertainty as to the rest, but please –" he leads them into an elegant sitting room, so elegant in fact that Kirk feels like his very presence here could break something. At the same time he hurts hard to hear how like Spock his father talks and Sarek's evident concern and attempts to make him more at ease just make it somewhat worse –

"Take a seat" he says, and fetches them drinks as they do. Kirk leaves Bones to the small talk, uncertain of his capabilities, almost unaware of how quickly he drains his entire drink. Sarek silently pours him another.

"You are – injured?" he asks softly, awkwardly – it is only half a question. There are too many ways in which It is true for Kirk to find himself able to answer – and so he does not. Instead all that comes out of him is –

"Spock's not here is he?"

Sarek looks at him searchingly;

"I would know what has passed Captain" he says cautiously, half consciously moving towards Kirk as though to meld with him. Kirk jerks away instinctively, partly afraid of a mind he knows would feel too similar to Spock's not to hurt and partly because he really does not want anybody to see what I in his head right now. Does not want Sarek to despise him or hate Spock for the mess his mind has been left in, or for anybody to see the hideous gash in the previously beautiful bond.

"No!" He cries more roughly than he really means to, then fumbles apologetically for the right words – "I can't – I'm sorry – not now –". Sarek looks confused by the emotions but Bones can read the anguish on Kirk's face well enough and voices the questions he can see his friend struggle to word –

"With all due respect sir – we just want to know where Spock is – was he here and – what did he tell you?"

Sarek nods in receipt of these questions –

"Very little" he replies – "He was most distressed – angry at himself –"

"Not at me?" Kirk asks, too surprised to stop himself from interrupting. Sarek looks at him, still clearly trying to piece something together –

"No. Not at all. He said there had been a – misunderstanding – he seemed unable to articulate further – he blamed himself, he said. Kirk –" he says this last so very gently that Kirk knows whatever he is about to hear will not be good – "He has gone to Gol to undertake Kolinahr."

This sinks in quicker than Kirk would really like and he feels sick to the stomach to realise what this means – at least what he thinks it means – _I made him feel that bad – _he thinks, disgusted with himself – _I made him feel so bad he never wants to feel anything ever again._

"I – can't see him." He states flatly.

"No" Sarek confirms, though he knows it was not a question – "I am sorry. If it means anything I advised him against this course of action."

Kirk is unable to speak, all he can do to keep from shaking with pain and grief, so once again Bones fills in for him –

"You did? But I would have thought –"

"Doctor, Kolinahr is an ancient and esteemed discipline and should not be sought merely as an escape from difficulty as I fear my son is doing. This is all as I told him myself. Unfortunately I fear that my approbation merely strengthened his resolve" he does not say "As usual" but they can all hear it nonetheless.

Kirk has hidden his face in his hands, trying fiercely to keep the pain to himself.

"Kirk" the Vulcan says, awkward – "Are you alright?" He knows it is stupid as soon as he says it and almost cringes at the clumsiness – "Forgive me – I am sorrier than I can say – I –" he uses the Vulcan, hoping he has understood the situation correctly and that the phrase is appropriate – "Tushah nash-veh k'du" – _I grieve with thee._

Kirk nods his acceptance – it is appropriate.

"Thank you" he whispers, raggedly. He looks – Sarek cannot describe it but Bones can – _Broken _he thinks – _destroyed – what I wouldn't do to that green blooded bastard –_

"We should go" he says quickly, unnerved suddenly by the idea of Vulcan telepathy and his own uncontrollable thoughts, standing up and hauling Kirk up by the elbow beside him.

"Of course" Sarek shows them out with a compassion that tears at Kirk's hurting heart. By the time they are half way down the steps to the house he already feels all but dead and buried. The voice that calls him back sounds small and far away but he goes back up the steps anyway, limbs feeling like lead, to where Spock's mother stands waiting, looking a little out of breath.

"Kirk" she says – "I'm so sorry – my husband can be terribly remiss in keeping me up to date – I would have been here sooner – I –" she breaks off at the defeat she can see in him, suddenly seeing all the pain in his eyes, the tear tracks streaking his face – "Oh – Jim –" she says and her voice is _Spock's voice when he loved me – _Kirk thinks, and it is too much. Amanda clasps both his hands in hers impulsively in sympathy and he bursts into tears all over again. She practically _puts _him on a bench and hugs surprisingly hard as he cries on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry –" he says finally, sniffing and embarrassed –"S'all I seem to do now – ask _him –" _he gestures to Bones, at the foot of the steps.

"Jim" she says, sternly, though it still sounds soft in that lovely voice – "Jim, I don't know all that has happened – I hardly know any of it, but I do know one thing and that's that my son is an idiot sometimes. A stubborn idiot." Kirk nods heavily in agreement, after all it was one thing they always had in common.

"But I still –" he starts.

"Shhh –" she says – "I know. But I also know that Spock has never yet done anything _irreparably _stupid – by which I mean he has never yet done anything that would ultimately destroy all hope for the future and I have hope that he is not going to start now. I would ask – that you do also."

"Hope?"

"Hope" she affirms.

"I don't think I –" Kirk begins. Amanda arches an eyebrow in what he recognises well as being Spock's _bitch – please _face.

"This would be something worth waiting for would it not?" she asks, slightly archly.

"Yes of course –"

"Then you can" she says – "I know Spock better than he would like to think and sometimes all he needs is time – time to work out for himself what is already obvious to others. Give him time enough and he never gets it wrong – and let time heal as it can."

"It is also a terrible distance between people –" Kirk sighs, wondering where he heard that or something like it before.

"Then make yourself stretch" Amanda orders – "You don't have to always break."

Kirk nods, trying to draw what he can of himself together.

"Okay" he breathes.

"Okay?"

"Okay" he half smiles – "How are you so sure?"

"We're all of us stubborn here" Amanda almost smirks – "And I'm not prepared to accept anyone else as my son in law."

It is quite clearly her last word on the matter, bar one –

"Hope" she says again, as they make their farewells.

"Yes" Kirk says, wondering how he will ever stick to this promise.

Strange, that the thing that seems the hardest and hurts the most is the one thing that will keep him going.

_"I'm so tired of being here  
Suppressed by all my childish fears  
And if you have to leave  
I wish that you would just leave  
'Cause your presence still lingers here  
And it won't leave me alone_

These wounds won't seem to heal  
This pain is just too real  
There's just too much that time cannot erase –"

_Evanescence – "My Immortal"_

_x_

**Such a huge thanks to my loyal readers who are keeping this story happening! Next chapter we switch to Spock and a truckload of angst! **

**I should probably mention that listening to various music of pain is really inspiring this fic so I'm sharing a lot of my miserable playlist with you in the form of some of these lyrics. It's probably kind of corny but it adds to the feels for me and I do like to share! **

**For anyone who wondered, the line Kirk was thinking of was from "The Glass Menagerie" by Tenessee Williams - "I didn't go to the moon, I went much further, for time is the greatest distance between people". It's one cheerful play so it is! :-) (I love it!)**


	4. Chapter 4

**3.**

_"I know it's hard to tell how mixed up you feel_

_Hoping what you seek is behind every door_

_Each time you get hurt I don't want you to change_

_Because everyone has hopes; you're human after all"_

_VNV Nation – Illusion_

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Confusion._

The first half year is the hardest. Perhaps the hardest time in his life. So many times he wonders if he should even be here but then the feeling that he will never succeed just provokes him to keep on trying. He speaks to almost no-one, the better to answer the raging in his own brain as best he can, in stillness, silence, solitude.

_What is it you seek? _He asks himself first – _answers or simply clarity?_

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Indecision._

_I am hoping that answers will bring clarity._

Hope is illogical and so he fights the feeling but not the resolution.

_What is it you seek? _

_Myself, I seek myself. _

He sets to work on his own brain, picking at it like at some impossibly complex knot.

_Why did you come here._

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Uncertainty._

_I need to be myself and I am not certain that I ever was – I need to know if I even can be just me. _

His brain is unimpressed with him, pointing to the aching bond that throbs like a tumour in the brain.

_No – _Spock denies _– he is not me. He is no part of me. _For weeks he drives himself to near brain fever trying to convince himself of this. _I said I would not think your name and I have not – but even without it I have thought of little else but you._

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Pain._

Memory is the greatest obstacle on the road to clarity. It slides in when he is least expecting it, sometimes insidiously, sometimes in an unforgiving rush. Memory creeps in late at night, an unwelcome visitor to a cold and uncomfortable bed, and the effects are shattering. He remembers then lying awake with a warm human body beside him, asleep at some ridiculous angle that would leave the Vulcan uncomfortable, tolerant and fond. He remembers as if it were with him now; the smell of his skin and the feel of his breath upon his neck. He shivers beneath the memory in broken longing and hatred for that longing. He remembers the touch and the taste of him until his senses are strained and aching with it.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Aching still._

He finds himself wishing that his memory was less perfect; but he can remember everything they ever did together – _everything. _Every promise he ever made that has fallen crushed under cold reality and he feels like a liar and a phoney, hating himself – but unsure if he is hating himself for then or for now. He tries to block out the sound of his own voice concurring that this was forever, that they were safe, perfect, T'hy'la, ashayam, k'hat n dlawa. Words he wishes did not exist. All he can feel now is pain and confusion – they never _felt _like lies – indeed they do not now. Instead it is his whole exist that now feels like the lie and he curses himself for a freak and a coward. He wishes he was anyone but himself, impossible though it is. The awareness that he is beginning to wallow in what humans would call self pity does not make him feel it any the less.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Close the inner eye and he is still there. _Return to the roots of Kolinahr, build up a wall between the self and the rest of the world, deconstruct the wall slowly and realise that you can live just the same without it. But when his wall deconstructs the human Is still standing there, waiting as patiently as he fears he would wait until the end of all things. He begins to struggle to see where he starts and the wall begins until it is himself he is stripping down, rebuilding and destroying over and over again, day after day. The memory of kisses, the memory of _love _stripping away his skin, laying him bare, inflaming the blood and nothing to be done about it – certainly nothing that is permitted at this time. In the absence of pleasure the only answer comes to be in causing himself pain – in hurting himself whenever he permits himself these thoughts and memories, ravens pecking at his flesh. He digs his nails into his skin over and over until the sensitive Vulcan hands are cut, scarred and bruised from his own fingers, hoping that he will thus come to associate these memories only with pain and thereby somehow make this easier – or at least possible.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget. _

Using that mental power on himself, wishing his own brain would accept it as easily as another's would. _Forget. _

Easier in a way to remember the end, however much that hurts – and hope that the badness will make every good memory pale in comparison, hope it will leave him thinking he does not want all he has left behind. That he has done right in leaving. Yes, it is easier than the memory of all they had; though easy is fast becoming a word he forgets the meaning of. Forgetting is a good barrier, and good practice towards wiping out everything else. Pretending and pretending until it becomes true. That none of it hurts. That he is here because he wants to be and nothing else. That he cannot hear that voice – that voice so close to him, familiar as his own – that voice screaming for him in his head without respite – and that it does not tear him to pieces. That the first and truest instinct of his heart is not to utter that same cry. Fake it until you make it and pretend you didn't hear _that _voice telling you that's what you were doing. Pretend it's not a terribly _human _thing to do.

Wear the mask so long that you become it, no more able to take it off than to extract your own heart – although _that _at least he feels finally like he has been able to achieve. Two years down and finally mercifully numb to the memory of ever having been anything other than this.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Nothing._

_Sweet, merciful nothing._

_Glorious detachment. _

_Transcendent unbreakable calm._

Until he is finally there, in plain sight of his goal, being told he has _achieved Kolinahr – _those words so magical, so needed and hard fought that the relief washing through him is intense, so intense that in that unguarded moment of blissful pure relief he hears what he has closed himself off to so vehemently all this time –

_SPOCK! Spock where are you come back I need you Spock broken Spock I can't do this can't do any of this without you lost so lost Spock please Spock please –_

Like an explosion rocking his brain, blasting him apart. The torrent of mental entreaty dashing apart in seconds so much of the work of over two years. The _pain _of it tearing apart and trampling all over those carefully built and deconstructed walls and the shock of it fatal enough for him to call back –

_JIM!_

Shattering across space, the mental cry escaping him without thought or recourse to reason. What a moment, he thinks, bitterly, to fail. The name he had sworn not to even think shattering into every emotion he thought he had eradicated. He forces the thought back down savagely so as to let nothing else slip out. Even so it is too late and he is told he has _not _achieved Kolinahr. It is a judgement, a mark of deepest failure – in nobody's eyes but his own. But to him it is a searing brand, a burning stamp of every failure he has ever perceived in himself scorched into his flesh.

_It is I who am nothing, _he thinks – _not you, never you. But I, it seems am nothing without you. _The burning stink of failure threatens to overwhelm him, defining him completely – again in nobody else's eyes but his own.

"Your answers lie elsewhere."

Yes, he suspects he might know exactly where as well. He wonders if any answer could be strong enough and true enough to out his fractured self back together. The answer to what happens next comes, confusingly, with a clarity just as great as did his resolve to undertake Kolinahr: _I will return to Starfleet and assist where I am most needed. _

He wishes he did not know so well where that would be. It is not possible, surely, that these answers he seeks – to questions so complex he struggles to voice them – can all be found in one small three letter word.

Surely not.

_x_

_"The feeling sometimes, wishing you were someone else_  
_Feeling as though you never belong_  
_This feeling is not sadness, this feeling is not joy_  
_I truly understand. Please, don't cry now"_

_- Illusion._

**Next time we get Kirk's side of all the angst!...and then it starts to get better….slowly – I promise!**


	5. Chapter 5

**5.**

_"Love is clockworks,  
And it's cold steel  
Fingers too numb to feel  
Squeeze the handle  
Blow out the candle  
Blindness_

Love is blindness  
I don't wanna see  
Won't you wrap the night  
Around me  
Oh my love  
Blindness"

_Love Is Blindness – Jack White_

The first year is the worst; though to say it gets better at all is only in comparison to the crashing pain under which he returns to Earth. To pile loss on to loss, after three months Bones announces his retirement from Star fleet. He tries his best to break the news gently but even at this he fails.

He comes to see his friend in the early evening and his heart sinks to find Jim already halfway down a bottle of Saurian Brandy.

"Jim it's not yet six in the evening!" he grumbles in place of hello – are you _trying _to drink yourself to death?"

"Bones that's the first accurate observation you've made in weeks!" Kirk spits, more slurred and bitter than he really meat it to be – "Congratu – fuckin – lations!" He slumps back down into his chair, waving carelessly for Bones to take a seat.

"So that's it now then?" Bones does not take a seat – "You're just going to throw in the can and become a sad, embittered old man?"

"Well gee Bones, I just figured it works so well for you –" Kirk initially meant it as a joke but it comes out nasty; too late he winces at the sound of his own voice.

"That's it!" Bones snaps, grabbing the brandy bottle Kirk is waving precariously to emphasize his words – "Now I've had about enough of this! I've been here for you Jim – I've stayed and watched while you set about driving away everyone who tried to help, systematically destroying yourself in this sea of self pity – dear god man! – You could at least have made _some _effort to half way _try _and enjoy your Admiralty but –"

"Enjoy my Admiralty?" Kirk echoes, choking on anger and bitterness – "Enjoy my fucking Admiralty? – well I might have fucking tried that Bones if the night of my inauguration celebration hadn't ended in my being royally leg breakingly dumped – or had you forgotten about that _doctor McCoy?" _

"It isn't as though you _ever _go on about anything else!" McCoy snaps back – "And I've tried Jim, I really have – I've done all I can to try and show you that there are other people who care about you – other people than Sp –"

_"Don't you fucking dare!" _Kirk yells, leaping to his feet, fist clenched – "Don't you dare say his name Bones so help me I'll –" he exhales hard and sighs, dropping his fist, a shuddering sigh with half a sob in it. He closes his eyes –

"I'm sorry Bones – I'm sorry –" he groans, rubbing at his head which aches and buzzes, not seeing the sadness in his friend's eyes to see and hear him so impossibly, uncharacteristically _defeated. _He looks down at his feet –

"I just still can't believe he's gone" and he sounds so small and broken it breaks the doctor's heart a little -

"I know, Jim –" Bones sighs – "And I've tried to help you through this I really –"

"No Bones –" Kirk shakes his head wearily, slumping back into his chair – "There is no "through this". I'm nothing without him. I should have known. I can't be –"

"I hear you – and I can beat my head against that brick wall trying to convince you otherwise but I'll only bash my own brains out and you still won't hear it – I can't do it any more Jim – that's what I came to tell you –"

"Huh?" Kirk frowns – "Bones? What do you mean?"

Finally Bones sits down, wishing he didn't feel so damn guilty about this –

"I've put in for retirement from Star fleet Jim" he says gently – "I'm done here. I'm going south like birds for winter – I'm –" he wants fervently to say _sorry _but, looking at Kirk's barely comprehending face, suddenly feels like that would make it a hundred times worse. Kirk stares at him and the sense of betrayal Bones can read in his eyes is bad enough as it is.

Kirk struggles for words but everything he could and wants to say just threatens to trample all over the squirming remaining pieces of his heart – _please don't go, don't leave me, reconsider this, want you to satay – I need you –_

"I –" he says slowly – "I can't ask you to reconsider – Bones – I'm sorry I can't even beg you – it's too – not now –" _I've said it all too recently to another part of my soul before that went away I can't do this again – _thankfully Bones does not need to be able to read his mind to know what he is thinking, and so he does not have to say this out loud.

"I know" Bones says – "Kind of why I'm going".

Kirk scrunches his eyes closed hard, forcing himself not to cry – thinking he has surely been enough of an idiot without it – taking a drink from the brandy bottle Bones resignedly lets him have back. All those words – _please don't leave me, don't go, don't do this, please – _that he had been trying to stop from running over and over in his head like a broken recording. He just nods, hoping it will do, wishing he could say something. He can't.

"I still care Jim –" Bones sighs, feeling the inadequacy of his words like an elephant in the room, and not the only one currently inhabiting this over – small space – "That's kinda my problem."

"I understand" Kirk barely hears his own voice, certainly it is not as true as he wants it to be. Just like that they start talking listlessly of triviality, edging nervously away from any kind of meaning to their words until finally Bones gets up to go. For a moment they look at each other feeling the weight of impending separation hang heavy and wrong between them, then they hug, hard and with no restraint of feeling –

"I'll be right on the end of the 'phone Jim –" Kirk knows this is no figure of speech, McCoy genuinely possesses an antique telephone that actually works. "I need you to promise me two things."

Kirk frowns, mouthing a "What?" that he did not really mean to be silent –

"One. Don't do anything inordinately stupid. Two, don't drink yourself to death and three –"

**"**Two things you said –"

"I'm still your Doctor Jim I'll tell you as many things as I want" – it warms him just a little to see that get the ghost of a smile from his friend – "Three. Remember what Lady Grayson told you. It's good advice Jim. Hope. Things can be – they can be okay you know."

"Really doctor your reassurance is overwhelming."

"Ah shut up Jim. You know what I mean." They almost smile at each other.

"Bones –" Jim manages to call when he is almost out the door. McCoy turns round and he loses the nerve – "Be safe –" he mumbles, adding as a promise – "I will try." Bones nods and leaves. Kirk hits himself in the leg for not having the guts to say what he really wanted – _You too are a part of my heart. _

_x_

Later he will look back on those next two years as the most null and void time of his life. The best he could ever say was that he survived; though under the circumstances that seems quite an immense achievement. Alone he finds himself to be more of a burdensome creature than he had ever imagined, tedious to himself, self – pitying and bad tempered. None of this is aided by a refusal to make new friends or even take lovers. He surprised himself with the latter decision, never having been someone who struggled for female company. It had never been a problem before. Perhaps it would not have been if the girl he had been talking to the first time he tried had not asked him outright if he was "available". When he opened his mouth to reply he found that the negative stuck in his throat and reminded him painfully how true it was. After that he steered clear of circumstances in which the question might arise and remind him of all he had lost. It was, he decided eventually, for the best – he would just have been using anyone else for a comfort that did not really exist.

So many times he might have given up altogether had it not been for what Amanda had told him just before he left Vulcan. Hope both plagued him, tormented him and kept him alive, as did McCoy, calling him more often than he had assured him he would just to check, as he said. In the meantime he seemed to live in a never- ending loop of trying to forget, trying _not _to forget and simply doing battles with the memories that threatened to destroy him. In the end he found himself living in memory more often than not so as to wipe out how deeply lonely he found his present. He was not sure if he narrowly escaped going mad from the loneliness or if he had not escaped at all.

And so, when the vaguest hint came through that the old crew of the Enterprise were re- assembling for a perilous mission into space he moved heaven and earth to back on board that ship when the opportunity arose. And it was at that moment, when the question of a First Officer for the mission arose that his heart shrieked the obvious answer so loudly he was almost deafened by it. It was a name his heart had never stopped shrieking; the only difference now was that when he sent his desperate cry out into space that shattering reverberating _SPOCK! _was actually answered. Expecting nothing but the cold, terrifying and absorbing dark his cries had been receiving all this time it rocked him backwards to hear that faint and querying but clearly returning _jim! _

And even though the racket that his heart sent screaming out of his mind received no further reply, he could not and did not want to black out what he had heard and what had been confirmed – that Spock had heard him and that – whether he had wanted to or not – he had responded. He had _not _forgotten him, not completely and that Amanda had been right – there _was _hope.

It was not the same Captain Kirk that got on board The Enterprise as the one who had first set foot there nearly eight years ago, but with that glow kindling back in him once more, neither was it the mess of a man he had been for the nearly three years since they had returned to Earth. In completely different ways he had called to the two people who made him all that he could be and in different ways they had both returned his calls.

_x_

**Sorry it's been a while coming people! This makes my heart too sad to write for long – BUT – next chapter we get into the recognised territory of events from the film and then as we know – it all gets a little better! **


End file.
